attempting happiness

It is too easy to sink into the feeling that here, in this new city, I am totally and completely alone. Even as I type that, I know I am exaggerating. I´ve made four friends, and one of them is an old friend from a different life. But still–when I walk down the streets, the unfamiliar streets, I don´t feel at home, and I can barely manage to be excited about this opportunity and adventure I have just embarked on. (Stupid, I know. Lame, I know. Immature, I know. I´m working on it.)

Listen–I PROMISE that this blog won´t be entirely made up of me lamenting over the sorry state of my life. Because I KNOW that this journey to Madrid is an amazing opportunity, one that I could not pass up. Which is why I left the safety and comfort of my life in New York, which is why I chose to leave friends and family, and an amazing relationship behind. It´s only been a week since I got here. So, just as I must give myself a chance to get in the groove, to settle in, to make friends, to take up every opportunity that comes my way, I also ask of you, dear reader, to allow me the space to communicate my sorrows. Just for now.

But seriously, what is a girl to do when she´s desperately in love with a girl from home, prays nightly for strength and confidence and determination, spends hours sending Energy from her Center to her ¨girlfriend´s¨(??) Center, which is exactly 3,587 miles away, and still just can´t seem to find it within herself to be HAPPY?

On some level, my friends, I am being slightly dishonest. Yes, I feel homesick. Yes, I feel lonely. Yes, I have little to no friends, little to no knowledge of my surroundings, and not even a room to call my own. BUT–what is really, truly eating me up from the inside, is the fact that I don´t know what the fate of my relationship with a beautiful girl from Westchester is going to be. Our future is full of uncertainties because of the distance, because she wants more experience maybe, because what if I fall in love with someone else (not happening), because because because. SO MANY QUESTIONS! But, lovers, these are totally useless questions that my mind creates and sinks its sharp sharp teeth into because, apparently, I love pain and torture. I know I (we) need to focus on the fact that we love each other TODAY, that we want each other TODAY, and that TODAY, anything is possible. But, as my mom likes to remind me, I have a ¨melancholic personality type,¨meaning that it is very easy for me to hold on to the bad thoughts rather than the good. As my mom keeps so wisely reminding me, LIVE DAY TO DAY, live in the MOMENT. And so, a dutiful daughter (sarcasm, I know its good advice), I want to try my best to accomplish this seemingly simple task. But–its hard. But succeeding at this will be my personal Herculean challenge.

My mother sent me an email last night about the Chilean miners, which certainly put my ¨unhappy¨situation into perspective. They are trapped, underground, with only THREE HOLES the size of your fist to breathe, speak, eat and live through. Reading the article made me feel so incredibly shameful and lame for even pausing to think about my supposedly terrible state of existence. It also made me realize that, DUDE, I need to GET OVER MYSELF! (You know, with enough room to acknowledge the truth of my emotions, to feel them, but not to let them take over and push me seven hundred feet underground.)

So. Today I begin this blog as a way to document my journey. To document my attempts at surviving happily, away from home, in a foreign land. Here, I will write down the moments that make my heart beat a little faster, fill me with a certain amount of joy and purpose, that make me feel alive. Sometimes I will write down my troubles, and tell you what makes me heart ache. But mostly, I want to use this blog as a way to motivate myself to ¨GET UP OFF MY FEET AND STOP MAKING TIRED EXCUSES¨(thank you, City High!) and start actually LIVING and BREATHING and LOVING this fine, European air. The life I lead is one of serious privilege, and I need to start behaving like I´m worth making the best of it.

I will not sink into myself and let my sadness over take me. I will not think that this loneliness will last forever. I will not allow myself to be overcome by melodrama and depression.

This adventure is MINE. I will LIVE it and I will LOVE it. I will suck the life juices out of every place and person I encounter. I will sink my fingers into the dirt and breathe each breath like its my first and last. I´m going to kick the shit out of this experience. I will SURVIVE.

YES. WE. CAN.

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Comments
3 Responses to “attempting happiness”
  1. tess says:

    ..alright I should have left something a bit longer.

    Carla, you are a badass. And every badass has to overcome some shitty shit, and once they overcome it, they are the baddest badass of them all. I feel nothing but admiration and envy towards you for taking on something this fucking awesome.

    keep it real, and don’t forget to eat a lot of ham for me.

  2. Monica says:

    I celebrate with a smile the courage you display in looking at yourself and tackling the moments when you feel yourself sinking; though your breast stroke is not the best, you know you want to get to shore and you work with all the strokes you know; as you swim you realize you are inproving your breast stroke too and smile. Living and Loving!!!! painful at times but ooh, how good when we hold joy again; we are here to feel it all..

    Love,
    Mom

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